after i gave up

December 27, 2010

Oh Creative One, I wanted to come back from my break all chipper and skipping along. But, the point of this blog is not to be fake or saccharin. I received a rejection letter over the break. That plus 4 weeks being housebound due to weather, a lack of UK driver’s license, and 3rd trimester pregnancy mixed in with a sick kid, being stuck in a house that can’t be kept warm no matter how many sweaters I wear, a note from the NHS 4 weeks late saying I have another infection with the pharmacies closing imminently, no invitations to celebrate with anyone in the UK, and being far from home with no visitors over Christmas and few gifts delivered on time due to the weather… Too much. Just way too much for me. Sometimes the mantra, “do what you love to do and the rest will come,” seems like a lie. An outright lie. I just feel like giving up some mornings. Even though I’ve never met my rejector or seen her on tv, I wonder if she is my Simon Cowell, my voice of “best quit and stick with your day job.” I wonder if I had listened to my creative self earlier on in my life if I would be in such a stuck place. So, I tearfully gave up. For a few days I allowed myself to think, “This is it. I am done.” I made cookies with my kids, tidied the house like mad, stared off at the frost blistering on the single pain window outside my kitchen window… Then, those words and stories and poems starting whispering to me -maybe just try a different way…

Overwhelmed Creative One, thank you for allowing me to be your company while you give up. More importantly, when you’re ready let me whisper to you to try again. Allow yourself to listen to me and indeed, try again.

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